Yap you heard me right….”fight”. It happens. But to be a little clear, I don’t mean the kick and punch kind of fights. After all, he is your groom and you are his bride; y’all are still in it for the long run.
Honestly, when the word fighting comes to mind, then perhaps the word “clean” doesn’t come in line at all. In my sinful nature, when I think of “fighting” no matter how small it is, I am usually thinking “ugly”.
But then knowing that as a married couple we are in this for life, then why fight or perhaps what causes us to opt for the fight?
- I want what I want; yap, heard that one right! When I am so intent on getting what I want and my beloved groom does not give way, I am ready to push my way through (this is usually with a good silent treatment), which I am quickly learning is very toxic and the most dangerous way of fighting.
- Pride and selfishness; I would equate this to the above point in a way. Thinking of myself first before my spouse which may lead to fights.
- Family; in the 9 years I have been married, I have learnt that all families are indeed blended families through marriage. And if not careful, extended families can greatly affect or in this case cause tension that could lead to fights. How you choose to take on the fights, is yet another issue.
- Children; As much as they are a joy when we have them, raising them usually brings up different views along the way. Disciplining, schooling and more that can cause disagreement grounds.
- Finances; when it comes to finances, the worry and heaviness of it or perhaps trying to balance two different views of handling money could cause tension. We ought to stay focused and realize that as a couple we have the same goal and work towards the good of that goal as a team.
- Intimacy timing; Oh yea…if you are married, you probably know where I am going with this. I am talking about those days when one half wants to be intimate and the other does not and then argument kicks in.(This actually can be one of the biggest causes for fights in most marriages);I know my groom and I have argued over this before. As a mama, sometimes I have had my entire self-focused on our babies that my emotions don’t even know how to get intimate which is a whole different case for my groom.
- Being tired/work stress; just being tired changes how quickly we are ready and willing to fight over nothing! And yes, the easiest person to pour all our stress and tiredness on is usually our spouse at the end of the day.
A little about fighting in our marriage. Almost 9 years ago when my husband and I were first married, we literally would disagree on something as simple as him not appreciating my cooking the right way or perhaps the way I wanted to be appreciated…..I (the bride) would cry, groom would try to re-work the whole situation and I somehow would decide to take up the couch in revenge. See that? Fighting… that’s what I was intending to do. This always ended the same with my groom coming to sleep on the floor at the foot of the couch which took us both back to our room to TALK it out.
Whatever it is though if the fight has to happen, the cleaner the better;
- Do not hit; I am not sure I can stress this point loud enough. But whatever the fight may be about, do not go as far as hitting one another. Something my groom has never done.
- Do not call each other names. When things get over heated, they may get the best of us. I know for sure that could lead to hurtful name calling that may be very damaging to a relationship. The less we say, the less we have to apologize for later.
- Don’t run to the couch. 9 years ago, I was that bride that opted for the couch thinking this showed how upset I was. But what I didn’t think through was the fact that I was not thinking of the man in my bed that wanted to talk over what had happened.
- Talk over the issue before bed. Not in front of the kids or other family and friends if they are around. Most definitely, DO NOT go to sleep without some resolution. Have tried but it does not work and ends up being a long sleepless night. Ephesians 4:26
- Do not raise your voice. I believe that raising your voice is the most unloving and disrespectful way a couple can chose to fight. And if you have kids, it doesn’t matter how big your house is, those little ears are always listening.
- Remember that y’all are not enemies and your marriage is not a battlefield.
- It’s not about who wins. Let the fight be about resolving the issue and perhaps finding a ground that is good for both. It is not about taking a trophy for the winner.
- Do not involve family or friends; something I learnt over the years. In the long run, if we involve family or friends in those small fights, it may strain relationships unintentionally even after we (as a couple) have resolved our issues.
All in all, just like any other institution in life, as human beings, our main purpose is to honor and glorify God. We will fail a lot of times and constantly need His Grace to make it anyway. Our Marriage needs God’s Grace, His sanctification individually and as a unit. Together we cast away our pride, together we come to Him, together we allow to be broken and give into serving one another for God’s glory, and together we take our Marriage to the Lord and let him work on it daily.
Great wisdom for the topic.
- “According to the Bible, the marriage act is more than a physical act. It is an act of sharing. It is an act of communion. It is an act of total self-giving wherein the husband gives himself completely to the wife, and the wife gives herself to the husband in such a way that the two actually become one flesh.” ~ Wayne Mack3
- “To solve a marriage problem, you have to talk with each other about it, choosing wisely the time and place. But when accusations and lengthy speeches of defense fill the dialogue, the partners are not talking to each other but past each other. Take care to listen more than you speak. If you still can’t agree on a solution, consider asking a third party, without a vested interest, to mediate.” ~ R.C. Sproul
- “Many marriages would be better if the husband and the wife clearly understood that they are on the same side.” ~ Zig Ziglar